My search for God through the years seemed like an endless roller
coaster. As a young child, going to church was a wonderful experience;
to hear the hymns being sang throughout the congregation with such
bursts of enthusiasm. It felt like my soul could have been lifted out
of that pew, right through the steeple and into Gods arms.
I'll never forget that glorious feeling of the magnificent love, warmthand security that I held close to my heart. But as the years slowlywent by that wonderful feeling I had, when I enjoyed the peace and comfort of Gods house was fading and my own life and concerns had
indeed taken priority over the fellowship of my true family in the
church.
I realize now that I was walking away from my Lord, my Savior and the
only sanity I had left to cling onto, into the deepest darkest pit that is so very hard to crawl out of. And not until my Uncle brought out his bible at our lake house would I feel whole again.
His explanation of Christ's crucifixion and reading the scriptures made me see the light that God was trying to show me with the chiming of voices and organ music on those Sunday mornings long ago. So there I had it! My one way ticket to the greatest place in the universe and
beyond. I had my fire insurance! And I felt on top of the world with
the Holy Spirit embracing my heart and Soul.
I was saved and felt that I could just sit back and take life easy
then, and that I did! I went back to church from time to time but
something was missing, I felt as though I was a failure as a Christian
and to God.
My troubles and sorrows were growing, and I gave in to that musty dark
hole that had suffocated me. It was so much easier to hide under the
rubble; or so I thought. But I thank God that I was greatly influenced
by Christian people all around me for the next several years. It seems
that every time I turned around there was someone nurturing my seed
just when it was time for a little TLC.
But my life was in shambles, my sorrows were immense, and my prayers
for death were swept away like a fish in the clouds that slowly
transforms into a funny little clown and I couldn't understand why God
had chosen to ignore me. I had reached the bottom of the deep, dark,
dreary canyon and I couldn't get out, I was too weak and weary to fight it anymore.
And finally these selfish prayers of death turned into drastic pleads
for patience, courage, strength and guidance to carry me through my
pain, and out of desperation I surrendered my life to God for healing
once again. These new prayers were starting to be answered! Just as a
gardener sits back to watch the seeds begin to grow; my pain was
replaced as God guided me toward Christians once again who began to
pray with me.
And like the first sight of that baby plant erupting from the soil I
had gained strength from my patience while waiting for that beautiful
bud to appear. And then it happened! God gave me my courage, and that
tiny bud had blossomed into this beautiful flower; ready to soak up the rays of Gods sunlight and eager to fill the air with its sweet
aroma.
But now my struggles have begun again and this beautiful gift that I
had received is beginning to whither away as I come face to face with
my deep, dark past that has been sealed and hidden away for so many
years.
But with the healing of each secret coming to the surface, a little bit of darkness is brought closer to the light as my spirit is renewed and reaches out for perfection; "who" just happens to be our heavenly
Father who indeed still does perform miracles.
That stage of my life has been completed now. So Ill pick that flower
from its stem and place it in a vase, to savor its beauty and grace.
And now is the time to plant bigger seeds to nurture and grow for the
whole world to see.
I know that this ride is not over yet; there will be plenty of joys,
concerns, sorrows and heartaches waiting to greet me as I cross over
each track. So Ill keep my shovel and seeds at hand and pray for a
smoother ride.
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