I was diagnosed with MPD/DID in the year 1995 and like most other survivors who suffer with DID I was ashamed and embarrassed of the turmoil and confusion in my head. I was scared to tell anyone about the voices because I did not know what would happen to me.

My fear was that I would be put into a mental institution and my son taken away from me. And the thought of never seeing him or my husband again and the isolation that I would live with was beyond frightening, so I had to keep this secret deep inside.

I hadn't planned on writing my story here at first but now I think that it's important to let you know where I'm coming from. My memory of childhood is filled with grief and despair as every waking moment; I was plagued with fear, nausea and vomiting.

Not a day went by without pains in my head and confusion disrupting every train of thought in my mind, and my body began to crumble from the stress that my mind was under due to the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse delivered by my mother who was obviously depressed and emotionally out of control.

Almost every time I became aware of my surroundings my clothes were changed and I was in a different place than before. I honestly believed that my loved ones were trying to drive me insane by telling me things that I had said when I knew that I hadn't and with so many alter personalities living within my mind, it was very difficult to separate conversations, thoughts, and actual events from my own reality and the turmoil inside of my mind.

Our house was consumed with violent outbursts from my brothers and sisters and then my mothers voice would whale out to be heard over theirs. The fighting that erupted between them was frightening and sometimes even ended in bloodshed sending one or the other to the emergency room for treatment. And me; I spent my life hiding in my closet and under my bed. Not until six years ago did I know that I was hiding from my very own mother.

I've been told that I ran and hid every time she entered a room that I was in, and that I was very afraid of her because she looked so scary when she was angry. I do remember how I spent every waking moment asking Jesus to let me die, to free me from my life of a tormented mind and pain but I felt abandoned by him at times because of the confusion that I continued to live with.

I'm sure all of this may sound exaggerated to you, because who could spend a lifetime focused on death as much as I confess to. Even when I see it in writing, it seems so absurd and unbelievable. But I can assure you that what you read here is only a snippet of my life and the torment that I lived with.

But my relationship with Jesus only grew stronger as he was my only link to the sanity that I fought to cling onto. Jesus never did really abandon me, as I believed he had. You see he did deliver me from all of the turmoil. And even though my life still seemed so confusing and emotionally and physically painful, he blessed my soul with his love and courage. And these gifts were the things that kept me from losing my mind completely.

The beauty of my story is that I was greatly influenced by Christians who God so graciously placed in my life. My wonderful dad and his whole family played a huge role in this and in fact my fondest memory is of family reunions, where before we sat down to eat we stood in a circle with clasped hands while prayer was delivered for thanks of a wonderful gathering and the food was blessed for all to enjoy.

Not only around the family, but also in the church where my dad and I sat while Gods love was echoed through the Sanctuary by the goodness and purity of each member there. And as I walked through life, strangers with glowing smiles and kind word for a little girl who was so distraught and so in need of Gods presence had fulfilled my need for spiritual nourishing.

I could feel his invitation of love and hope through these Christians and my desire to be embraced by his loving spirit became stronger every day. But my adult hood has been just as puzzling and awkward as was my youth, and my memory still is so very vague. But I have finally reached a spiritual wholeness that of course is not yet perfected but gets stronger each day.

The nausea and vomiting are only history now and even though my physical pains remain and even worsen with time I thank God for my husband, son, therapist, doctors and friends who have delivered me from a life filled with confusion, loneliness with God's gentle guidance.

By the grace of God, each of my alter personalities have laid down their resentment and anger and have embraced the wonderful knowledge that God does truly love each one of us.

And as we have begun to integrate into one, our strength in faith has multiplied and now our peace and comfort is overflowing as we embrace the joys of our life and have come to understand that the abuse that we endured as a child was simply not a fault of our own and that no matter who that child would have been, the mentally disturbed caregiver would have still been out of control.

Of course I do have some memories of adulthood but basically my youth has vanished, good and bad memories alike. As an adult, I can recall sitting around on Christmas Eve while brothers and sisters would laugh about things that had happened when they were young.

I've always been more than satisfied to sit and listen and even laugh with them to hear their stories told over and over again, but I could never participate in these recollections of years gone by because I simply do not have any memories to share.

I have plenty of pictures in my head of horrid deeds that were done to me by my mother, but I have yet to "remember" or at least accept any such events. My past is long gone but never missed, because one cannot miss what one does not remember.

I do not blame God for a past filled with so much pain, but I thank him for delivering my soul from the darkness that otherwise would have swallowed me whole and I would have been lost forever. But this web site is not about me, for I have conquered my past through Christ and have become a survivor in place of victim.

We must remember those young souls, who are trapped in their own fight for survival right now, for my body and mind was not the first to be victimized and sadly it will not be the last.

Spirituality is the center of our emotional wellness and does not give us the ability to love, but rather it is love! Spirituality is compassion, sympathy, forgiveness, understanding and love and peace, all wrapped up in a beautiful package as our gift from God and we lovingly share it with others.

Spirituality is the epitome of loving, and allows us to emotionally forgive those who have wronged us so that we can let go of, and distance ourselves from negative influence's that have such a strong hold on our well being as a whole.

Spirituality is a reward that comes from lessons that we've learned in life through our misfortunes and downfalls. Spirituality gives us a better appreciation for the simple things in life, the things that truly matter and that bring us to a better understanding that God really does care for us and tends to our basic needs and inner-peace.

Spirituality is indeed the essence of our soul, and it can replace the inner darkness, the emptiness, and feelings of worthlessness that is the direct result of the influence from our outer world that has fed us their own negative inner-contamination.

Individuals who have come face to face with the ultimate tragedies in life seem to be the very ones who will posses this seed of inner peace, the secret logic of the soul that gives birth to Spirituality. I suppose you might say that Spirituality is God's way of compensating for those of us who have faced a tremendous amount of troubles and heartache in our lives.

In Fact our Spirituality is nourished as we face obstacles that touch our lives. And when we find ourselves at the end of each hurdle that seemed, at one time impossible to overcome, we might be overwhelmed with awe and a tremendous peace within, as we look back at what God has done while we bask in the glory of the moment.

Now, not every person who faces difficulties in their lives (and let's face it, we all do) recognizes the spiritual gift that God has for us all, but that does not mean that those who have recognized their spirituality are any better, or more loved by God. The environment that we have been exposed to, and the people around us have determined the amount of nurturing that our spirituality receives!

Just as the food that we eat and the air that we breathe can make us ill if it's contaminated, our Spirituality can become stale and cease to mature if we do not feed it with a healthy dose of constant, positive influences.

Once we have recognized our Spirituality, we must pamper and tend to it daily by inviting those things into our lives that are good and that fill our souls with the beauty of the sites and sounds around us. We can choose to embrace this wonderful gift and feed our Spirituality or we can ignore the beauty within and only allow the negative obstacles to enter our lives, but the choice is totally left up to us.

We can only give to others, that which we have to give! There are still therapists, psychiatrists and survivors who do not feel that there is any room for God in therapy, I suppose this may be due to the fact that we are dealing with issues of the mind. However the mind is the perfect place to ask for God's healing! Don't you think?

Take for instance when we have a loved one who is ill, we tend to lean on others who can pray with us. We pray that we can be strong for our loved one, and that we can mentally and emotionally deal with the illness. And when a loved one dies, we search for comfort and strength as we retreat into the grieving stages as the survivor who must go on with life. Ah, indeed we're asking God to heal our mind!

And where do we turn in times like these, but to prayer! Now we're not praying for the health of the deceased, nor are we praying for strength and guidance to support this loved one, for he/she has already past. But rather we are praying for our own peace of mind to continue functioning during the grieving process. We're asking for mental strength, comfort, and healing; the same mental healing that we desire in therapy.

I understand why victims of any kind of abuse would feel abandoned by God who seems to have let them down. I know this very well because as a child I felt abandoned by God many times as I struggled with fear and shame and prayed continuously, "Dear God please let me die," not only once or twice but this prayer was repeated many times on a daily basis, every single day of my life.

In fact my fondest memory of childhood is when my dad and I were sitting in church and God granted me my reprieve momentarily as I slipped out of my body and floated to the top of the sanctuary.

I felt right then that I had a choice to make, either stay here or go on to heaven to escape the madness that I was living with, but the organ rang out announcing the end of the sermon and startled me; and my chance to leave this old world behind was gone in an instant when I plummeted back down to my body. I've always wondered if that was an opportunity to go home or was it an "out of body experience."

Looking back on my life I recognize Gods work! So many times the frustration was too overwhelming and my body was so exhausted but still I would have to deal with the monsters and ghosts (Even though I had no idea then who or what they were) and all that I could do was to silently whisper "Oh God." And upon saying those two wonderful words I would spring into action by running or hiding or even to burst into tears and go into a silent rage.

I know that it was God back then, answering that little prayer of two words. He gave me the strength to move quickly when I was frozen in fear and to release my inner stress through tears. And he even strengthened me in my frustration, allowing me to erupt into a silent rage, because if I could not have reacted to the fear, sadness and pain, then I would have felt nothing at all.

We're all given a choice to follow God and embrace his spirit within our hearts or to turn away from him and embrace the darkness. But unfortunately our perpetrators have the same choice! God even loves those who do wrong and are continuously given a choice. I forgive my mother for the things that I know for sure that she did to me; how could I hate and turn away from a soul that was so lost and in such need of God's love?

My mother's gone now but I was very fortunate to be able to be by her side when she drew her last breath. While my brother and I repeated our love for her and prayed that God would heal her soul, a tear streamed down her check and then she was gone. I thank God that she did not have to take anything with her, instead she left me a wonderful moment of love and forgiveness and yes, my Spirituality was once again nurtured as God filled me with peace in my heart as I watched her slip away. I believe that when I die I will be reunited with her in Gods arms. This is what spirituality is, the ability to love and forgive others because they are "children of God."

If we never face trouble, then how would we prepare ourselves for the grieving that must accompany the loss of a loved one, or a tragic accident. And how could we console and have compassion and empathy for others in their suffering if we had never experienced it ourselves? If we never face trouble, then how can our spirits mature?

When you face troubles in your life, do you go to the one who has already been there, and can support you with the understanding and empathy that no one else could comprehend? Or do you go to the one who has never come face to face with heartache and sorrow; the one who cannot comprehend your pain and can only console you by ignoring it?

Yes, for this I am grateful because maybe in some way I can reach out to someone who needs empathy rather than pity. And maybe, just maybe I can tell my story so that someone else will have the opportunity to meet Jesus in the same way that I did. God is the healer of all healers and I know that I could not have reached the mental and emotional health that I now have, without him in my life.

Powered by WebRing.